That thing seems to be pretty hard wired in me. Anger. No, it is not as if I am angry at everybody or at the world all the time. I smile a lot, I sing very happy songs, I even laugh at myself (well I learnt that). I get angry too. That in itself is not a bad thing – there can be positive anger, constructive anger. But not me. My anger is destructive – it destroys my peace, my family’s and spoils our day. If I get angry and I realise I am in the wrong, I immediately apologise. Have no qualms about that. It is the righteous anger that is the worst of its kind. The first time around, I try explaining very clearly, logically layout the issue, see if the other person understands what I am trying to say. When it doesn’t work out,I do not know what happens. Well I do. I get mad. I do not hurl obscenities, not a single foul word, no sirree. But the tone and the decibel level – my goodness! When compounded with the fact that I am pathetic at diplomacy, this is the result. I terrorise the others 😦 I was very proud of the fact that I had recognised this issue of mine and was slowly but surely making some progress. But then that doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. Reality really bites – or rather smacks you in the face.
My young one is surely learning from me. She gets angry like any other person and so like her mom, she is definitely learning to unleash the worst in her. She screams and hits when she gets hopping mad. I see her uncontrollable anger and I perfectly understand how she feels. I have felt like that myself. At that moment, I feel completely ashamed of myself – for not having been a positive model. And I realise that unless I model positive behaviour, she will have a tough time with this anger. I had problems because of this all the while and I sure as hell don’t want her to have those issues.
I am done justifying my anger. Trying to find out where I got it from (in other words blame someone else). I’ve come to the simple conclusion that it is my personality trait that I haven’t learned to deal with. And with this confession, I hope to learn to get over this as quickly as possible. I don’t exactly know how, but I am pretty determined this time. No I don’t want to be the perfect model just yet, as long as I can deal with it positively most of the time, I will be happy. And if I can help the little one learn to deal with it constructively, I will consider that a job well done.
P.S: Can someone tell me how to do this overnight? 😉 😀